Up to five percent of people are narcissists, but narcissistic behavior in a relationship is even more common. This personality disorder is epitomized by a need to feel important or make others feel impressed by you.
If your spouse has narcissistic tendencies, they can be challenging to deal with. Learn some of the more common signs of narcissistic traits.
Manipulation
Narcissists use subtle control to get their partners to behave however they want. Your spouse might make you feel that if you don't go along with what they want, there will be repercussions. This doesn't necessarily mean physical violence; instead, it usually just means they will do things to make sure you aren't happy or can't do what you want to do.
Disinterest in Your Life
Narcissists are interested only in elevating their own sense of self, and so their primary concern is making sure that people are focused on them. They may not show interest in your life, your job, or your achievements. They may never ask questions or tune out when you talk.
Blame
They find ways to blame you for everything that goes wrong, even if you have nothing to do with it. In their eyes, they do not make mistakes or cause problems, so therefore, it must be your fault. They won't apologize if they are proven wrong.
You start to feel like you are the problem in the relationship.
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Prioritization of Their Needs
Your spouse expects you to always put their needs first. They aren't concerned with what you need. They only do things that they want, and that benefits them.
Humor Is a Weapon
They frequently joke about you or at your expense, insisting they are always "just kidding." Humor is often used as a weapon and effectively. When you are upset, they act like they can't understand why because they insist it was just a joke.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when your spouse denies things you know are true to make you question yourself or to make you believe their version of reality. If you disagree, there are repercussions. If you let them persuade you, they gradually are able to control your thoughts.
Frequent Rage
Your spouse often explodes in anger, which causes you to tiptoe around them constantly, never sure when they will become angry. There often is no reasonable explanation for the spurts of rage, making them impossible to predict.
Public Persona
Your spouse is a different person around other people and is usually considered charming, friendly, funny, and just an all-around great person. They do not show other people their unpleasant narcissistic behaviors.
This creates cognitive dissonance, where everyone thinks your spouse is amazing, but your reality is the opposite. You might start to think it's your fault they behave differently with you, or you might question if you're crazy.
Cheating
Because they are so charming towards others, they are good at flirting and find it easy to lure people into relationships. They will never take responsibility if they are caught cheating and find a way to blame you for their actions.
Financial Abuse
Narcissists often find ways for their spouse to have to bear the financial burden for the family. And then have no problem spending your hard-earned money. They don't work to the height of their potential, and it's always someone else's fault that they can't succeed.
Frequent Criticism
Your spouse is critical of you often, pointing out everything you do wrong and all the ways you fall short. And it's never their fault because, according to them, you are the one who comes up lacking, so they believe they are forced to point out your faults.
Love Bombing
When your spouse does show affection or approval, they overdo it. They lavish you with gifts or hyperfocus on you temporarily. This manipulation in a narcissistic relationship is meant to control your feelings.
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Condescension
Your narcissistic partner needs to believe you are not as bright as them, not as accomplished as them, or as good as they are. To promote this lie, they treat you like you are incompetent or dumb and act like you should be grateful they are there with all the answers.
Isolation
Your spouse uses various tactics to isolate you from the people you love and are connected to. They want all of your time and attention, and they don't want other people to recognize the control they assert over you, so they try to cut people out of your lives.
Resentment
They resent anyone you direct your time or attention to, including your children. This can lead to difficulty connecting with your children, which they then will blame you for since nothing is ever their fault.
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Spouse
Dealing with a narcissistic spouse is difficult, and you may never truly resolve some of the issues you are struggling with. To cope with this situation:
- Maintain a sound support system. Stay in touch with family and friends no matter how much the narcissist tries to dissuade you. People who respect and support you will help you see the situation clearly and help you stay focused.
- Don't take the bait. Don't react to the narcissist's criticism or insults. This fuels the fire, and they have to prove they are right.
- Let them solve everything. But rig the conversation so that they come to believe they thought up what you want them to decide.
- See a therapist. A therapist can help you sort through the situation and understand why you chose this person. They can also help you exit the relationship if you decide to do that.
- Work on self-esteem. Be aware of your own needs and be sure to meet them. Work on believing in yourself and your abilities.
- Understand the root cause. Explore why your spouse developed narcissistic tendencies and what happened in their family history that shaped their behavior.
- Create boundaries. Enunciate clear boundaries and enforce them, such as no half-kidding insults, no interference with your other relationships, and no verbal abuse.
Final Thoughts
Once you know the signs of a narcissistic spouse, you can start to find ways to manage being married to a narcissist. You may be able to retool your relationship to downplay this problem and move forward together.
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