If you are the one who decided to end your marriage and get a divorce, you might wonder, why do I still miss my ex-spouse? It’s very common to miss your spouse after a divorce, even if you had very good reasons for wanting the divorce.
Learn why you may be experiencing these feelings and what you can do about it.
Understanding Your Feelings
Taking the time to understand and accept your feelings can help in this situation. First, try to distinguish whether you miss being in a relationship and having a partner or if you genuinely miss your ex (both are okay!).
You might feel uncomfortable being alone at home or in social situations. Or you might miss certain things about your ex, such as their help around the house or how they could make you laugh. All of this is normal.
When you are married to someone, you develop emotional attachment. You come to rely on them for companionship, affection, and comfort. When that relationship ends, you can feel at a loss because you can no longer connect with them in the ways you used to. This is possible even if you absolutely hated certain things about them or you didn’t actually love them.
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Being married is a significant life change. You and your ex blended your lives together and shared a living space, intimacy, hopes, dreams, plans, daily life, and possibly children or pets.
That close of a connection cannot be undone suddenly, and a piece of paper saying you are divorced cannot change how you feel.
The Reasons Behind Missing Your Ex
You might miss your ex after you get a divorce for many reasons. Understanding why you feel this way can help you find a path forward.
Loss of Intimacy
No longer having a partner for sex and affection can be a significant change to adjust to. Your bed might feel empty, or you might miss having someone on the couch next to you while you watch TV.
You might also miss having someone to share the details about your day with. These are all part of intimacy.
Fear of New Relationships
You might feel completely unprepared to date or find a new partner. The thought of building a new relationship can feel overwhelming, and it may seem like it might just be simpler to be in a relationship with your ex since you at least understand all the pitfalls.
Even if the marriage was not happy, it might have felt comfortable on some level, so wanting that comfort back is normal.
Lack of Closure
Even though you wanted the divorce, you might not have closure yet at the end of the relationship. You may not have fully grieved the end of your marriage. It takes time and a lot of hard work to feel as though you have closure, and until you get to that point, you may still miss your ex.
Loneliness
Living without a spouse means you’re on your own, which can be hard to adapt to. You might feel lonely being home alone or even doing things like grocery shopping alone. Adapting to being a single person as opposed to a couple can feel very strange, and your home may feel somewhat empty without your spouse around.
Failure to Adjust Your Identity
When you were married, you probably identified as part of a couple. Even in the bad times, you were a married person with a spouse. Now, you are no longer part of a couple. You might also have developed an identity that was closely tied to who your spouse is.
For example, maybe your spouse loved hiking, so you went hiking with them every weekend. There’s no reason to keep on hiking if it’s not one of your own passions, but it can take time to sort out what is yours and what is theirs. You might feel lost if you haven’t entirely accepted your new identity.
Jealousy
If your ex has moved on and is dating other people or is in a relationship, it can be easy to feel jealous of the new partner. For a long time, your ex was your person, and now they are someone else’s person. Feeling like you want that person back is common.
Overlooking the Bad Times
It can be easy to focus on the good times you and your spouse had while you were married and ignore all the problems that led to your divorce. Focusing on the happy times can lead to you missing your spouse.
Moving Forward
It’s possible to move forward and stop missing your ex. Here are a few things you can do that can help.
See a Therapist or Counselor
A therapist can help you thoroughly explore your feelings and the reasons behind them and then help you move on.
Be Honest With Yourself
Clearly see and evaluate what you are feeling, and don’t hide from it. Tell yourself the truth about what you are feeling.
Talk With Friends or Family
Talking through your feelings with someone you trust can be helpful. It can also help ease your loneliness.
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Adopt a Balanced View of Your Marriage
Remember the good and bad times, and be clear about why you ended the relationship.
Create a New Routine
Develop a new daily routine that is in sync with your rhythms and needs. This can take time and trial and error.
Focus on You
Put your time and energy towards things you love and which are meaningful to you. Develop new hobbies and interests, make new friends, or try to excel at work. Experiment with anything that interests you and focus on having fun and relaxing.
Be Kind to Yourself
Instead of being angry with yourself for missing your ex, be understanding. Treat yourself like you would a good friend in this situation. Be forgiving and patient. Some days are harder than others, and that’s ok.
Create Your New Identity
This is your opportunity to take charge of shaping your new identity into whatever you want it to be, which is a wonderful opportunity. You can decide to be whoever you want to be, and you aren’t constrained by what your ex thought or wanted.
Take Time to Grieve
Since you chose to get a divorce, you might feel there’s nothing to mourn. When a marriage ends, there is always grief work to be done, so take the time to work through it. Something important to you has ended, and you feel lost.
Cut off Contact
Unless you share children, stop talking to, texting, or communicating with your ex. This can allow you to move on and prevent you from being fixated on them.
Don’t Pressure Yourself
There is no hurry for you to start dating or find a new partner. Do what feels right to you. There is no pressure to get back out there or meet people.
Accept that You Might Always Love Them
It’s absolutely possible that you will always feel love for your ex, even if you don’t want to be married to them. There was a reason you fell in love with them and married them, and that may never change.
Final Thoughts
It’s common to miss your ex even if you initiated the divorce. Understanding why you feel this is the first step. Then, you can start to make changes to your life to alleviate the pain and longing you feel.
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